Working Through Some Things

Families are tricky places and none are perfect, though some seem to operate better than others and some people grow up nearly unscathed from theirs while others are a perfect mess as adults, and everything in between. Some would argue it's nurture versus nature and I can't entirely disagree.

My family was pretty suffocating, in many ways.  My parents, you might say, were overly protective.  The fact was that I was not allowed to make many decisions for myself, even when I had reached an age when I should have had some responsibilities for myself.  For example, I was not allowed to ride a bus or elevated train anywhere until I went to High School and had to ride public transportation to get there.  The truth is I never left my little neighborhood in Chicago unless I was accompanied by either my mother or father or some other trusted adult until much later in my life than was necessary.

This made me fearful about making any decision.  This and many other anomalies made me feel that there was something intrinsically wrong with me.  I remember, distinctly, thinking that I must be mentally handicapped when I was in grammar school, when I became aware that some people had this kind of condition.  It took me a long time to shake that belief.

Now as an adult I find it hard to keep any true sense of self esteem going.  I have worked hard to scrape up what inner strength I could.  In the past few years I feel stronger than I have in a long time. Still my mother can break through all that with some criticism.  I know my own self- speech can be pretty destructive to me, too.  

The only lasting healing can come through giving myself the loving care that was missing so early in my development.  Trusting myself and loving myself are the greatest gifts I can give.  We only perpetuate what poison was pumped into us, by harboring anger, malice or resentments against those people in whose care we had been placed.  True healing cannot begin until we are willing to forgive and let go of all that was done to us or not done, as the case may be.  

Hashing and re hashing all of that keeps us locked up with it.  Letting go and forgiving doesn't condone it or give anyone the right to do it to anyone else.  It just let's us move on without the baggage.  Forgiveness is more for the forgiver, than the forgiven!